It’s been 113 days since I landed back in OKC. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my time abroad. I’ve had a lot of classes, work, extracurriculars, stressful things, beautiful things, so many things, since then too.
Looking back now, it barely feels real. Not in any super romanticized way or a super dark way, but rather that it’s hard for me to come to terms that I was indeed away from home for so long. I was in Japan from March 6 to July 26. One-hundred and forty-two days! It was short and long and forever went by in an instant.
Since coming back, I’ve had vivid flashbacks to certain moments in Japan. Waiting on a train platform alone, walking to the convenience store, biking, the route to school. They’re not pleasant flashbacks though. I have them and I feel almost scared or alone, because I think in actuality that’s what I felt maybe. Between all the excitement and awe, it was scary to be 3,000 miles away from everything I knew. When you’ve lived all your life in one place, though, I don’t think that’s so out of order. It was scary, and that’s okay.
I’ve learned a few things about myself and what I want my immediate future to look like since coming back. First, my plan since before my freshman year was to apply for the JET (Japan Exchange Teaching) program, move to Japan after I graduated, and live there for 2-3 years. I had never been to Japan, but in my mind that didn’t matter. It was gonna be awesome and it seemed like the most exciting thing in the world. Surprise. I don’t want to do that anymore.
(Also, before I go on, I feel like I’m really focusing on a lot of negatives here. My time in Japan was spectacular. It’s just time to touch on a lot of the things I never wrote about while I was there.)
So yes, I don’t want to apply for JET anymore. And maybe for some other people, my reasoning simply doesn’t resonate with them and they can flourish and have the time of their lives dong JET. But that’s just not the case for me. I learned I need my family, friends, and home closer to me than I thought. That’s a great thing to find out though, especially before dedicating at least a year of my life to it. Before I left, I thought the distance was trivial. I’d have everyone I love a call or a text away in my phone, and I’d make lots of new friends and memories while I was there at well. I did make lots of new friends, but I missed my friends at home more than I thought I would. That was hard.
Secondly, in a larger sense, moving to Japan was going to be an escape from Oklahoma. That was part of my goal when applying for college, too. I sent apps to colleges in a few different places, out of state. OU was the last one I did. Looking back, then and now, I’m so glad I went to OU and stayed in Oklahoma. What changed from then to now? Perspective, one of the most valuable things Japan gave me.
I love Oklahoma. We’ve got a lot that’s not great here, and it was so easy to focus on that before I left. I became so much more forgiving once I realized that that’s the same, everywhere. I love Oklahoma City, and I want to stay here for a while. There’s so much more I have to learn and love about my hometown and I’m so excited to get to do that. For me, home is home.
On that note, most people who’ve lived in Oklahoma or the surrounding states know of the idea of “southern hospitality.” Generally, out and about, folks like to open doors for each other, drive a little kinder, show kindness and warmth. In a lot of ways this idea holds, up, and yes, in a lot of other ways, it doesn’t. That, compared to society in Japan, at least the part I encountered, felt hollow. People were nice to me and my friends. In the right context, people were curious and asked where I was from, what I was doing in Japan. But 95% of the time, that wasn’t the case.
People are respectful to a point of isolation. No one talks on trains or buses. Mental health and conversations around such are still widely stigmatized among the generations above mine. Self expression is seen as something that you do when you’re a kid, maybe a teenager at most. But once you head into the professional world, that’s expected to go away. These places being so new to me could have definitely also contributed to this feeling of isolationism, but I’m not the only foreigner to Japan that’s felt this way. Before I went, I ignored the videos from creators I followed warning about this very thing. I felt most welcome and at home in my dorm, among people such as myself, guests to the country I was living in. Coming back to Oklahoma in that regard felt like a big sigh of relief.
Often when running into people I haven’t seen since coming back, they ask a few of the same questions. “How was it? I bet you’re fluent now. When are you going back?”
“It was good! Fun but long. Definitely not fluent. And I don’t know, it’ll be a while. I want to go back with friends when I do.”
Lastly, as of last week’s academic advising appointment, I decided this is my last semester of Japanese. I’ve got 16 hours left for my creative Media Production degree, and taking any more hours than that for my last semester of college sounds like hell. Meaning that I’m downgrading my declared Japanese major to a minor. And honestly? I’m not heartbroken. The whole reason I declared a Japanese major in the first place was to keep taking the classes. I did expect to keep taking them and complete a degree, but it’s no big deal that I’m not. This won’t be the end of my Japanese learning journey. I want to keep learning, but on my own time, and with room for many other things. My passions have shifted a bit, and that’s a great and beautiful thing to learn.
So then, three and a half years later, 7 semesters of Japanese later, hours of studying later, and 5 months of study abroad later, was it all worth it? Was it a waste? Would I change anything?
Not at all.
I’m very much a believer in the idea of “everything happens for a reason.” Whether that’s cosmically true or not isn’t for me to find out. But so far, it’s worked really well for me.
I’m happy with who I am, and I love my life. I’ve been blessed with so much, the schools I’ve gone to, the skills I have that were cultivated by others around me, friends I have that love me, family, everything. It’s all one great big mysterious incredible gift that I never take enough time to be grateful for. The times I’ve bawled for hours, the hardest times in my life, the deep pits in my stomach, the times when I couldn’t see past the days I was in, I’m so grateful for them too.
(Side note: reading this though. Got deep quick. Lol. I proceed.)
I had a fantastic time in Japan. Clipper Mist made a whole lot of memories. Tomu and the free sake he gave me on my first night in Tokyo, the air raid memorial, softball games with the boys (Go Walkers!) (We somehow lost every single game), meeting another Bongo 2,000 feet above Tokyo on the top of the Skytree observation deck, my 4 guides to the top of Mount Hakkyo, nights with friends in Kawaramachi, midnight runs to the 7-11 down the street for Strong Zeros and cheap drinks to go crazy with in the LDK, train rides and walks to everywhere. And who knows! Maybe there’s a distant future where I make even more memories like this in Japan, with friends from home and abroad. It can be a place to visit, just maybe not live.
For now, I’m excited for life at home, and I can’t wait to see what the future brings.
Clipper Mist, and Clipper Mist’s Tales of Travel: Japan, out :^)